All the Feelings
As I’ve learned throughout this entire process of navigating
my cancer diagnosis, the emotions that come with it are raw, complicated, and
often unpredictable. I have been looking forward to “the end” for so long – the
day I wouldn’t have to undergo any type of chemotherapy for hopefully ever. But
this moment has caused me to experience so many intense and overwhelming emotions.
I am relieved. I am anxious. I am grateful. I am scared. I
am happy. I am sad. I am blessed. In many ways, I feel like I am grieving, and
it isn’t until this very moment that I have let myself feel this specific
emotion.
The emotions were strong and plentiful when I was first
given my cancer diagnosis, but after the reality of it all set in and I was
through the first couple of treatments, I settled in and treated this as my
job. It was my job to fight through this and get to the finish line. But now
that I am here, I grieve for the innocence that I had prior to learning about
my diagnosis, and I grieve for the person I was prior. Cancer has changed me
and everyone around me. It has affected my family, my friends, my coworkers –
it has influenced nearly every aspect of my life – both good and bad.
Grateful
The people who have lifted us up over the last 6 months have
been pure angels. The donations, the meals, the gifts, the letters, the cards,
the help with the kids, the help around our house, and most importantly the
prayers… these have all been evidence of God’s love that we have felt so deeply
over the last several months. I feel as if we will forever be indebted to so
many for all the kindness, love, and support we have received. I just hope that
people know what an impact these acts of kindness had on me and my family and I
will forever be thankful.
Let Me Tell You a Little Story
There is one more aspect to this journey that I have shared
with some but would like to share more broadly as it’s shaped my perspective
greatly and has further solidified my belief in God and the magnificent work, He does every day. And if by sharing this story, it helps just one person gain
some perspective from something tough going on in their lives, then I will be
glad I did so.
God has blessed me tremendously with four beautiful children.
Kinsley came first and she came quite easily. Charles and I found out I was
pregnant with Kinsley on our first wedding anniversary. Soon after Kinsley was
about a year old, we knew we wanted to grow our family and have another child. After
a few years of unexpected fertility struggles, including a ruptured ectopic
pregnancy, surgeries, and a failed IVF attempt, we found out we were pregnant
with Charlie on Mother’s Day 2014. Another surgery and a few IVF attempts
later, we were blessed with our twins, Elin and Andrew in 2017.
During the twins IVF cycle, we were left with two frozen
embryos that we knew we would want to come back to eventually to see if we
could grow our family even more. Fast forward to the fall of 2020 and we were
ready. Charles and I really wanted at least one more child to bless our family.
We prayed and prayed that one of the two embryos would take. We knew with such
certainty what joy another baby would bring to our family. We did the first
round and unfortunately the transfer ended in a chemical pregnancy, but we had
one more embryo and were feeling hopeful. We went back for this last embryo and
prayed to God that He would bless us with another child, however as it turns
out that wasn’t God’s plan. This embryo didn’t take either and so fled our chances
of having another baby.
Charles and I were so unbelievably sad the weeks after we
learned that our family would not grow from a family of six to a family of
seven. We knew we were so blessed to have the beautiful and healthy children
that we have, but we absolutely love being parents and love the joy that each
child has brought to not only us, but to their siblings and other family
members. I couldn’t understand why God would not want us to have another child.
It took us quite some time to be at peace with this fact, but we knew that it
had to be part of God’s greater plan and eventually we grew to accept His plan
even though we didn’t understand it at the time.
“Some of God’s Greatest Gifts are Unanswered Prayers”
Over the last decade, I have suffered significantly with
fertility issues and endometriosis. In recent years, the pain had become
unbearable at times. I had always persevered through the pain knowing that we
wanted more children. In the spring of 2021, knowing and coming to terms with
not having anymore children, I decided to explore the options for how to alleviate
the pain that came with my endometriosis. I met with a group of doctors and decided
that a full hysterectomy made the most sense for me. The surgery was scheduled
for July 22nd, 2021. The day before the surgery, as part of my
pre-op procedures, my doctor requested I undergo a colonoscopy so they could
account for any scar tissue or other issues during my surgery the next day. It
was during my colonoscopy that a tumor was discovered. Immediately, the plan changed
and instead of a hysterectomy the next day, I had a colectomy to remove the tumor.
What a whirlwind those few days were.
At this point, we didn’t know the seriousness of situation. I
spent six days in the hospital recovering and undergoing scans. The word “cancer”
hadn’t yet entered the discussion. It’s crazy, but I even remember laying in
the hospital bed, buying tickets for a future Garth Brooks concert right before
I was wheeled down for a CT scan. I had always loved his songs, and a favorite
of mine was, “Unanswered Prayers.”
About a week later we received the call that would turn our
world upside down. My tumor was cancerous, and the cancer had spread to 16 of
the 42 lymph nodes that they took during surgery. My official diagnosis was
aggressive stage IIIc colon cancer.
Suddenly, God’s plan made perfect sense to me. He was
protecting me back in the fall of 2020. He led me right to where I needed to be
in the Spring of 2021. So many nurses and doctors have told me how “lucky” I am
that my cancer was found the way in which it was discovered. I’m young. I had
no symptoms. I wouldn’t have had a colonoscopy for at least another 10 years. But
I know it’s something bigger than “luck.” I had prayed and pleaded with God for
one thing (another baby), but He seemingly wasn’t going to answer my prayer…
but in the end my unanswered prayer was one of his greatest gifts ever given to
me and my family.
I thank God every day for His answered and unanswered
prayers, for His guidance, for His love and for all the people and their kindness
that was shown to me over the past 6 months. I’m not sure I’ll ever feel as if
I can express the magnitude of my gratitude.
If you’re still here and reading this, please know I thank
you for your continued thoughts, good vibes, and continued prayers. And I appreciate
you allowing me to tell my story. I will pray for each of you that God will
continue to hold you in His hands like He has me and that all our prayers will
be answered exactly the way God intends.
